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MY Q&As

Hey, I’m Dr. Kevin Skinner. Thank you for taking time to ask your question here on brighter mornings. Your question is how can I grieve effectively when I didn’t get a chance to due to COVID-19? Man, I’ll tell you, this is one of those questions that we’re getting more and more of because COVID-19 has made it so we can’t go visit parents. We can’t go into care centers hospitals and it is a very common question. So I’m so grateful that you asked this question and let me just give you three or four ideas that I recommend to my clients when they struggle with that in opportunity to say goodbye, whether that’s COVID related or not.

So the first thing that I tell my clients is to consider this phase of loss as a time to grieve. And that often means that we want to give the loss meaning and openly talk about in your own writing or allow to somebody, a friend, a loved one, how you felt about your loved one. So concept number one is we want to make sure that we give me meaning to this loss and that could be done through writing or talking it out.

Number two, as you go through that, writing or talking about what would you want to have done finish in your mind, what you wish you could have done, but was not able to, because of COVID-19. What would I want to have said, what would have, I want to have done as a way to show my appreciation or love or gratitude for the life of that loved one.

The third part, now that you’ve given it a voice you’ve done, some of them said some of the things you’ve wanted to say is take time to specifically focus on the hurt and the loss that you have had. And what that might sound is I felt like I didn’t get to say goodbye. And I feel what give a language to your hurt, to your feelings and what really, what that means is at this point, you might have had experiences and emotions that make you overwhelmingly sad.

Give those feelings a voice. In other words, we’re going to now pay attention to your emotions, loss, sorrow, maybe anger. They too need an expression.

So now we’re going to turn our attention to the emotions you’ve been writing. You’ve been talking, I’ve been doing things to that you would like to have said, but now we’re going to pay attention to your emotions. What are the deeper wounds in our hurts that you’re feeling?

And finally, the fourth part. Anytime we grieve. It’s important that we don’t judge what we feel or think or what your, or how even how your body’s responding. Some people lose weight. Some people get eat more to for comfort because they feel that, that loss.

So I’m going to ask you at this point to, to listen to your body. And really get attuned to how your body’s feeling with it loss. Sometimes we have habits of picking up a phone or sending them email or whatever to the person who is lost. I would suggest that maybe you continue to write or call in your mind. What would you say in that phone call?

Now my fifth and final point, I guess I had one more because of loss. I invite you to consider having a sit down conversation, imagine that your loved one was sitting down in a chair right next to you. I want you to imagine that with me right now. I want you to just to feel their presence and because you know them, what would they say? What would you want to say? I’d like you to have that imaginary conversation as if it’s happening. What you come to realize is even though they’re gone, they’re still present because your memories with them and because you know them well enough, they will feel they will sense and you will feel and sense what that conversation actually would have been if they were still alive.

These are just some strategies to help you be authentic and real. Through the grieving process.

Thank you for asking this important question and I hope it helps you and many others as they go through this difficult time. May you be blessed?

Hi, I’m Dr. Kevin Skinner. I want to thank you for being here on brighter mornings and asking your question. Your question is I’m having a hard time getting rid of my spouse’s clothes and other personal items. Do you have any suggestions for me?

First of all, the fact that you’re asking about it tells me that you’re thinking about getting rid of those items.

Now, a lot of people, they don’t do that, or they wait for a long time because they feel guilt and sometimes they’re just frozen. Either way, there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact in my experience has been that it takes time. So if you’re considering it, let me give you maybe some strategies of things that you could do as you prepare to remove some of those items from your home or from the bedroom.

First of all, is you might not do it alone. And you might think some of the items you might do alone. But you might do it with other family members. And the reason why this matters is because you’re creating a memory around those. I remember when this, or I remember when that, and you’re sharing those experiences with, other loved ones, which actually creates a new experience and it’s a way to transition.

And you got somebody there to comfort you. A few years ago, somebody did a research and they had individuals putting their hands in cold, ice buckets of water. Those who are going through that difficult time, who had somebody close to them or somebody that they trusted next to them, holding their hand, we’re able to keep their hand in the water longer. Now, analogy wise, having people around you as you take these items, remove them from the bedroom or from your home, the garage, wherever it may be. One way to do that is with people around you. So you don’t have to do it alone. Now, you may say some of the items you want to do by yourself, but as you do that, I would actually have you having a conversation as if your spouse was still there with you. I’m removing this, it reminds me of you. I still love you. I still care about you.

It doesn’t have to be an experience where you feel guilt or like you’re doing something wrong. In sometimes we hold on to things because we don’t want those memories to leave. If you’re not ready for it, don’t push yourself. Don’t push yourself thinking, you’ve got to move on. Maybe right now, you’re not ready. But the fact that you’re asking the question tells me that you’re thinking about it. So when the time is right, make sure you have people around you much like the cold bucket of ice water and make sure that if you’re doing it by yourself, you can talk with your spouse, even though they’re gone, you can have this conversation and there’s no reason why you can’t share with them what you’re doing and why.

In that process, you’re going to be sharing real and authentic emotions and those are very important.

Anyway, thank you for your question. It’s a really good question. May be comforted as you go through this process. Thanks a lot for asking. This has been Dr. Kevin Skinner.

Hey, thank you for asking your question here on brighter mornings. I’m Dr. Kevin Skinner. I know it’s not easy to reach out for support and help when you’ve when you’ve lost a loved one. So, I thank you for taking the time to, to ask your question and hopefully my response can give you some ideas on, on what to do. First your question your question has to do with,

I lost my spouse to cancer about a year ago. I thought a year later that I would be doing it better than I am. Do you have any suggestions for me?

First of all it’s been a year, and if it’s been a year, my experience is that about our year anniversary or during the anniversaries of when those things happen, where we lose our loved one. That time of the year, sometimes the sounds, the smells the day, can drum up a whole lot of emotion and it wouldn’t surprise me if you’re feeling more of those pains right now because the season is the season that you lost your spouse. And so that’s the first part that I would say to you is it’s often more intense feelings around seasons or times when you’ve lost your loved one. So that’s concept number one.

And the next part of it is, people often say, shouldn’t I be through this. And, actually my experience is that it’s actually not that you’re not going to be through this. That idea of being through something is just not fair to you and fair to people who’ve lost loved ones. The idea of just being through something it means we’re over it or done, it’s done. And, that relationship that you had with your spouse, it’s not something that we finish because they’re gone and they’ve passed on.

That’s not how this world works.

When you love somebody, those feelings are going to be with you and that’s going to bring pains, it’s going to bring hurt. And so it’s very important that you honor those feelings rather than feel like you’re not getting through this. And sometimes people feel like they have to get through it because others are putting pressure on them. It’s you got to be done with this. Move on, start doing X, Y, Z, and I think it’s very valuable for you to step back and honor, wherever you’re at, and the time it’s taking. Nevertheless, as you go through this, there’s maybe times where you think this is overwhelming me, this is too much. If you’re finding that, I think it would be very helpful for you to reach out to a professional and get support. Maybe attend a support group where you can talk with others who’ve lost loved ones and, hear their experiences. Because we know that in groups where people are talking openly, there’s great value in hearing and experiencing what others are going through as well and realizing that you’re not alone anyway. So I would suggest that if it’s, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, please do reach out to others, seek maybe a group support, I think that could be very valuable too.

And then the final part that I’d like to offer today, is because it’s been a year there’s some things as you go through this next year, I’ve actually told people this and they’ve found it helpful, maybe during a time, like now on the day that your spouse died, getting together with family and friends on that day and maybe what I had a friend do is actually get together with their children, spend time celebrating the life of your loved one who’s lost or gone. And, think about pictures and memories and share those memories in this celebration.

And I shared that with a friend and her children have done that and it’s been interesting that they get together and that day is a day where they support each other, strengthen each other. And think of their favorite memories with her lost dad.

That’s just a suggestion. At this time, I wish you the best and thank you for taking time to ask your question here on Brighter Mornings.

May you have Brighter Mornings as you go through this difficult time.

My thoughts are with you and thanks for your question.

Hi, I’m Dr. Kevin Skinner. I’m a licensed marriage and family therapist. And I want to thank you for asking your question here on Brighter Mornings. Your question is related to finding yourself feeling anger towards your lost parent, you find yourself discovering more and more about their life that they didn’t tell you about and find you’re finding yourself more angry.

Let me address this idea because sometimes we find ourselves discovering information about our parents or other people after they’re gone and it’s wait, why didn’t they tell me this? Or, why did they keep that a secret? Now this is not uncommon, unfortunately, but we find a lot of people feel like the shame of their behaviors, they don’t want people to know or judge them, in particular, the people who they care the most about. In this case, I would want to offer just a couple of thoughts related to what you could do to work through those emotions.

First of all, we know that as you feel anger, you might also feel a little bit ashamed because your parent’s gone and why do I, why am I angry at my dead parent?

But I think it’s normal as you go through your emotions to give respect to those feelings and honor them. And so what’s what I call giving a voice to the emotion or to the, in this situation, the anger. So one way to give a voice to that is to write a letter to them about what that information means to you and what it has meant to you now that you know it.

And I want you to imagine that you were sharing that information with them. Like, why didn’t we talk about this? And allow yourself just to flow in that emotion and let it out. That important concept is something that a lot of people are afraid to do because they don’t want to make a parent feel bad.

Your parents gone, but your emotions aren’t and your emotions towards what you discovered are also important. So we have to give it a voice. We need to honor those feelings. And if you write it in a letter, it’s one way to process through it. You might shred it or you might read it and then shred it. But the idea is to let it out, give it a voice that’s concept number one.

Number two actually has to do with thinking about your parents in a different way. Obviously, that information has changed how you’ve made me feel about your parents. I also encourage you to think about what drove them to do, or to hide that information? What were they afraid of and what concerns they have and did they try to repair the damage that they had done? Just, they didn’t talk about what they had done.

And with these are things that I would encourage you to think through because many times when I talk with people, the more they analyze or look at someone who’s hurt them they begin to realize that they too have a story. Now, I don’t know what your parents’ story was and why they did what they did. But everyone has a story. Sometimes those stories don’t make any sense to us. Sometimes the more information we get about them, we realize, Oh, they did that because grandpa did that and great grandma or grandpa did that and they felt this way.

And so we begin to have a little bit more in some cases, not always, we have a little bit more compassion or empathy for what their life was like. Sometimes that can happen. Sometimes it can’t. In your case, I don’t know, but I invite you to think through their story and maybe why they hid that information. It doesn’t justify it, but it might help you have more understanding.

Anyway, I hope this is helpful to you. And if you have further questions, feel free to ask them here on Brighter Mornings.

First of all, my heart goes out to you and your entire family. Your son especially and your son’s friends family. There’s nothing as painful as loss. Suicide in and of itself is very painful.

I think the first thing is to listen. “How are you doing? As a parent, I don’t even know what to say other than I love you and I’m concerned, this loss, how is it influencing you? What’s it like for you right now?”

Because we also know that there is a tendency for peers to feel guilt, to feel shame, “I should have reached out, I should have done this.”

I think there is a platform of being able to say “these are some common things that friends can feel, like I should’ve been more, why didn’t I? Are you feeling those?”

In some ways you’re trying to get your child to open up. Have you had suicidal thoughts? These are the types of questions that we can’t be afraid to ask, because we know others start to feel and wonder “can that be me?” If they’re already down, that it can have a contagious type of a response. Don’t be afraid to ask your child very directly “have you felt those feelings? And, if you ever feel those, would you please come to me because I love you. I want to be a support and you matter to me, you matter.”

Get information, listen as much as you can. Right now it’s important to periodically follow up. How are you feeling? How are you doing? If you see them having difficult emotions, don’t be hesitant to ask difficult questions and have hard conversations. If you can get your child to talk, it will be one of the more important things that you can do for him right now.

If you see things that are really concerning, don’t be afraid to get a professional therapist for your child to talk with somebody. A school counselor would be good as well so your son doesn’t feel alone in those feelings.

Anything you want to add, jenna?

Absolutely. My heart also goes out to you mom and dad, and this child, and the whole community, a suicide in a peer group in a community as is truly a capital T trauma for everyone involved.

One thing I would add from the theoretical perspective that I bring clinically, is that we can really be helpful in how we name these parts of people that engage in destructive behavior. It is helpful to articulate for the child, this is not all of who your friend was. This was a suicidal part who was trying to help him with pain.

I think that can be such a helpful way to separate out the part of the child that took their life by suicide from the whole child.

To really reinforce that the positive aspects of that relationship are still valid and still true. Help that pain that are much more effective.

Hey, thank you for asking your question here at parent guidance. I’m dr. Kevin Skinner, and I’d like to spend a bit of time on your important question. We’re seeing more and more of this type of a questions about vaping and smoking pot you say that you call your 16 year old vaping and smoking pot. He’s days. It’s no big deal and doesn’t know why we’re up so upset or he says it’s no big deal. And why are we so upset? What should we do? Well, I think first of all, I think that we have a
a growing culture where smoking pot is being accepted vaping is is is it being seen as not a big deal? I think first of all the question that I ask any parent is can you have influence on your child? Because our children often as they get older or 16 17 years old they kind of become little more self focused and they see the world around their lands and and truthfully there at the stage where
Like I’m going to be myself what I got my own identity. I’m going to be me. So I wonder if you can have influence or not. And and that’s let’s first question. Can I have influence if I can have influence? How am I going to communicate to my child in a way that lets him know my concerns. You also want to look at the friends that he’s with because more often than not our people is your son smoking alone, or is he in a cohort or a group of people?
People that’s what they do because we know that social influence as a big influence on our own children. So is there a group or is he doing it by himself now? There’s two important things here. If it’s with a group then there’s a social expectation if he’s doing it by himself. He’s probably coping with things that we don’t know what those are but he’s coping with something that’s going on. Is he being bullied is he being pressured is he being made fun of whatever whatever the story maybe those were things.
I would want to know in order to really provide the best support as possible as a parent. He’s upset doesn’t know why. I think it’s important that you do some education if at all possible do some research on vaping and and and ask him a to watch that with you and then see if you can get him to open up. I think you as a parent have to be open about the possibility that you might not don’t have a lot of influence here.
And so the only way we find that we have influences is we can develop a relationship first if we can have a connection a conversation without him feeling judged or you know, why are you so upset about this but more of approaching this of I’m trying to understand help me understand and then ultimately is the ability to say here are some of my concerns obviously, I’m not going to be able to stop you, but I do have concerns and and hopefully you can get your son to open up about the vaping.
The smoking pot and I would let them him know of your personal values beliefs and concerns and and let him know that this matters to you and that you care about him and you care about his health and certainly the research is showing especially with some vaping that there’s some significant things that are happening that I think if you do a little bit of research you might be able to share that with your son is a hay or some of the concerns and and the same thing with pot. I know it’s growing in terms of its usage around the United States and Canada.
But I think it’s fair to say, you know, we don’t know the influence of this and I again, there’s one other part here. I would say my experience based upon conversations I’ve had is that individuals who are vaping smoking pot with something that happens to them is that they begin to either disconnect from certain groups or they connect with other groups and I would want to make sure that we focus on the relations your relationship and and see if we can help him.
Standard he can have relationships that are positive and those relationships often they end because there’s other problems that are going on one final thought and that is is your son possibly vaping or using pot to slow down his mind. Is he anxious? Does he have ADHD now the reason why I ask that is sometimes the anxious ADHD mind. Sometimes we’ll use
Spot to slow down the mine because they’re so anxious. So that’s something that you might consider as you think about this now, obviously if it if you can’t have influence or if you’re concerned at a deeper level, then I was considered professional counseling to make sure that you and your son are getting proper support to talk about this in a real meaningful way because I think there is a proper reason and the reason to be concerned. Anyway, thanks for your question. I wish you and your son the best as you move forward.